Missing someone you’ve never met

Can you miss someone you’ve never met?

I know I miss my babies who died before I had the chance to look into their eyes. Our Fiona died in utero eight whole weeks before she was born. She barely looked like a baby when she came out at the same time that her twin sister did. I miss her kicking me, and I miss knowing she was safe inside me.

I miss my two little ones whom we lost to early miscarriages – before they even had eyes to look into – one many years ago and another just this past December. I spent Christmas day celebrating one baby and passing, grieving another. I can still feel myself grieving that little one and the memories of other losses that came right along with the tears.

I’m their mother. Of course I miss them.

But my daughter – one sweet sister among four brothers – misses her twin sisters with a depth I never imagined could be possible. This girl, who is equally at ease twirling and leaping around the house like a ballerina and kicking a soccer ball down a grassy field, this girl  who makes up songs about Jesus and speaks of God as if He were her best friend (He is), this girl mentions her sisters to anyone who has ears to hear. She asks how to spell their names and names her baby dolls after them. She misses them from the depths of her enormous heart and sheds tears of grief over their loss. Over their absence from her life and the gaping hole in our family where they should be.

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She paints them pictures and speaks regularly about how excited she is to be with them in heaven one day.

Can you miss someone you’ve never met?

Yes. Yes, you can.

Maeve’s paintings reminded me about the paintings I used to create for others who were missing their little ones, and they inspired me to create some new ones.

After taking a year of rest last year to do some healing work, I’ve been spending the beginning of this year on a break from social media. The mental peace it’s brought has inspired some creative projects, and I’ve re-opened my Etsy shop and given it a bit of a facelift. You’ll find these two prints there, along with a few other items. I’ve also been blogging weekly on my Bless the Chaos site.

I hope it’s not too late to wish you a happy New Year and to say I’m glad you’re here. I hope you’ll find something – either here or over at Bless the Chaos – that meets you where you are and offers you understanding.

With love,

Eileen

 

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